responding
Don't make a bad situation worse
19/04/14 11:20 Filed in: response-styles
You have just had a target of bullying behaviour report it to you. There are a number of ways that you can address the issue. But what you say to the target can make a huge difference to the way they feel about themselves and the confidence they will have in you dealing with the situation. While there is lots of well meaning advice out there, here is some that should be avoided. Read More...
Avoid agreeing and disagreeing in the same sentence
23/03/14 16:31 Filed in: communication
It is a well used phrase 'yes I agree with you but…' that tries to make out we are in agreement and then give reasons why we are not. The yes-but combination confuses things and gives conflicting messages. It is far better to separate what we do agree with and what we don't agree with. You can try these responses instead: Read More...
Five more mistakes to avoid when dealing with behaviours
12/01/14 20:46 Filed in: options | principles
Here are some more tips on what to avoid when dealing with inappropriate behaviour.
1. Avoid creating the situation into a win/lose proposition. You can use consequences but make sure you are not going to gain something out of it. 'If you do not get this done I will give some of my work to do' is not a good way to provide consequences. You appear like you are abusing your authority and this can create resentment. Read More...
1. Avoid creating the situation into a win/lose proposition. You can use consequences but make sure you are not going to gain something out of it. 'If you do not get this done I will give some of my work to do' is not a good way to provide consequences. You appear like you are abusing your authority and this can create resentment. Read More...
Do not take the behaviour personally
15/12/13 09:23 Filed in: myself | response-styles
When a person is using inappropriate behaviour it is easy to feel like they are personally attacking us. Sometimes this might be the case but in lots of circumstances Read More...
Three ways of asking questions that should be avoided
When you meeting with others to talk about issues it can be very tempting to start off with a question. This can help raise the issue in a non threatening way and also find out more about the issue. It can help you find out how the other person views the problem. But you should avoid doing the following Read More...
The 4 keys to a proactive response to mobbing behaviours
23/02/13 09:42 Filed in: behaviour | strategies
How to deal with mobbing behaviours is a challenge. It is likely that some outside help might be needed. Sheehan (2004) suggests using 4 types of response: problem solving, skill development, understanding and solution focus. Read More...
The Collaborative Problem-Solving and Resolution (CPR) Approach
When bullying behaviour occurs it is important to help all the parties involved. The Collaborative Problem-Solving and Resolution (CPR) approach does this by allow the targets voice to be heard and balance restored. This can lead to the bullying behaviour user acknowledging responsibility and accepting change. This is how it works: Read More...
Restorative justice - an empathy building approach
The idea behind Restorative Justice (RJ) is supporting change in behaviour by developing empathy for the target. So for bullying behaviour it's facilitating a meeting between the individuals or group involved and possibly other community members. They all speak about the experience and to explain their feelings. The trained facilitator… Read More...
Mediation is not that helpful in dealing with bullying behaviour
Mediation is about bring parties together to work through the conflict and arrive at a solution. It seems a great solution for bullying behaviour until you realise that bullying behaviour is not about disagreements or conflict. Being excluded from joining in because of the way you look is not conflict. Both sides not are trying to present their own views, it is one side using its power against the other. Read More...
Is punishment over used for bullying behaviour?
Everyone accepts that there needs to be some form of punishment for behaviour that is clearly unacceptable. The idea is to discourage and deter the behaviour by having consequences. The difficulty with bullying behaviour is it has such a large spread of different behaviours that means punishment does not always suit the particular problem. But it seems to remains the go to approach for many. Read More...
Strengthening the target to deal with bullying behaviour
There are lots of information and training out there that suggests helping the target to deal with bullying behaviour. Things like supporting the target emotionally and provide skills to help them to become less vulnerable, deal with issues, deflect bullying behaviour and resolve conflict. A key draw back...
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4 direct responses to bullying behaviour
The direct response to bullying behaviour is about saying something when you see it occur to promote behaviour change. This is the foundation of dealing with inappropriate behaviour. Four types Read More...
9 responses to dealing with bullying behaviour
You might have guessed from recent posts that bullying behaviour is something I have been working on recently. I have been looking at ways you can respond if you see or hear of it occurring. There looks to be nine ways of doing something about it:
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Good ideas in Anti-Bullying handbook
13/10/12 15:29 Filed in: resources
There are a number of books on bullying behaviour and The Anti-Bullying Handbook 2nd edition by Keith Sullivan is a good one. The reason is the 5 chapters (about 60 pages) devoted to different types of interventions. While aimed at those working in school settings there is lots to learn about interventions that could be used in other situations. Like so many other books it covers defining & describing the problem, planning & implementing a policy to address the issue and preventative strategies. Read More...
Responding to talking things up
When young people get to gather they love to talk. But if it is "deviant talk" then this can be a problem when it is not held in check. Talking up inappropriate behaviour which is then received positively by peers, can encourage the group to act out those behaviours. Read More...
Don't tolerate zero tolerance
As a policy for how we deal with inappropriate behaviour, zero tolerance wants us to believe that if we clamp down hard enough this fixes the problem. Any problem. But behaviour is a complex area and simplistic solutions do not address this complexity and lead to other issues. Read More...
The irony of passiveness
I quite like the Apple dictionary (v2.2.3) description of passive which is "accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance…" But what I really wanted to highlight was the interesting combination of possible messages that can be communicated though passive behaviour. Read More...
Dead Person Test checks if what your asking is a replacement behaviour!
You see a behaviour and respond. This should include a description of the behaviour so they know what needs to change. An effective method to modify behaviour is offering them another option of how to behaviour. This little test can help you make sure you are giving them a replacement behaviour option. Read More...
A pause for thought can…
A pause for thought can make all the difference in handling inappropriate behaviour. For everyone involved. Too often it is tempting to fall into a mental trap that speed and urgency is good. Let's just get it over with and move on. That fails to take into account people need time to think about their actions. Read More...
6 Tips for sending clear messages
09/08/12 10:32 Filed in: response-styles | communication
Sometimes we try to be too nice by not being direct in what we say. We worry more about not hurting others feelings than getting our message across clearly. Now, we do not need to be aggressive or nasty but we should be truthful. Here are 6 ways we can improve: Read More...
Things to say if someone is rude or unpleasant
Someone has been rude and unpleasant to you. The behaviour could be mildly aggressive meaning they are not respecting your rights. Any response made should try to establish appropriate boundaries on the behaviour. Read More...
Effective communication is key
30/07/12 11:11 Filed in: communication | myself
Having good communication skills is really important in helping others change their behaviour. If you are having difficulty with someones behaviour and everything you try does not work, take some time to reflect on how you have been communicating to them. Read More...
6 reasons to avoid using punishment
19/07/12 10:56 Filed in: principles | behaviour
It is tempting to think that using punishment will solve a behaviour problem. These behaviours need to be change but most do not need a heavy handed approach. There are some people that think using punishment is the way to go, including using physical punishment. The problem with this is: Read More...
5 common mistakes when dealing with inappropriate behaviour
There are times when someones behaviour needs to have consequences. But there is some common things people do that hinder rather than help that person change their behaviour. Five common mistakes are: Read More...
5 useful phrases to use
There are many ways to say things that can help encourage appropriate behaviour. Here are 5 words or phrases that I use to describe behaviour that helps let the person know they are doing something that needs to change.
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Balanced boundaries is better
Boundaries are rules that we expect people to live by. Groups of people have them to help make life run smoother. There is a balance between having not enough and too many boundaries. But the point of balance is not always in the centre. Read More...
Where is the boundary?
Boundaries are rules that we expect people to live by. Groups of people have them to help make life run smoother. So as we go about our daily life’s we encounter all sorts of different groups and so the boundaries change. There will be different expectations based on if we are with family, at school, at work, walking down the street or sitting in a movie theatre. It is import to have stable boundaries that do not move or change too often. Read More...
Ignoring can help you get a solution
21/04/12 11:23 Filed in: enact | strategies
I was flicking through a book the other day and a strategy that was in it gave me one of those ‘yes, I have done that’ moments. Because I had not included this as a strategy in my book I thought I should share it here. The author Bill Rogers called it tactical ignoring. It refers to concentrating on one behaviour while ignoring others on purpose. Read More...
10 styles you can use to respond
It can make you feel pretty angry or down when a behaviour does not change even after you have assertively responded to an issue. I learnt the hard way that it is useful to be able to mix up your responses. If something is not working, then try a different way. The stuck CD endlessly repeating sometimes works but in lots of cases does more harm than good. I have identified 10 different styles of response which can help you choose different ways of responding to these challenges. Read More...
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