I-messages
Things to say if someone is rude or unpleasant
Someone has been rude and unpleasant to you. The behaviour could be mildly aggressive meaning they are not respecting your rights. Any response made should try to establish appropriate boundaries on the behaviour. Read More...
Effective communication is key
30/07/12 11:11 Filed in: communication | myself
Having good communication skills is really important in helping others change their behaviour. If you are having difficulty with someones behaviour and everything you try does not work, take some time to reflect on how you have been communicating to them. Read More...
5 ways to respond to the cold shoulder
There are times when people communicate or act in a way that is dismissive, negative or lacks warmth. When this happens at the first meeting it can be awkward. But when it happens with people we know and have a ongoing relationship with like coworkers and peers, this can be difficult and creates problems. Here are 5 questions you can use to try and resolve the problem. Read More...
3 strategies anyone can use
08/05/12 12:00 Filed in: strategies
Responding to a behaviour that is called a strategy. There are many ways to reach behavioural goals so it is no surprise there are lots of different strategies to try. Here are a brief description of three of my most used strategies:
- Naming it
- Swapping
- Shaping
Ignoring can help you get a solution
21/04/12 11:23 Filed in: enact | strategies
I was flicking through a book the other day and a strategy that was in it gave me one of those ‘yes, I have done that’ moments. Because I had not included this as a strategy in my book I thought I should share it here. The author Bill Rogers called it tactical ignoring. It refers to concentrating on one behaviour while ignoring others on purpose. Read More...
Only use I-messages for good
I-messages are great ways to communicate assertively in lots of different situations. But it is worth remembering that they can also be used negatively to try and manipulate someone. Like all tools they can be used for good and bad purposes. So how can people manipulate others?
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Understanding the difference between I-messages and You-messages
You might want to read ‘You-messages can work for and against you’ to get the background for this post. I had pointed out that you can have an I-message and a You-message combined like ‘I feel angry when you call me names’. It is common for those new to I-messages to use I feel …(feeling) when you … (behaviour). But an effective I-message does not contain a ‘you’ in it. Read More...
You-messages can work for and against you
Following on from my previous post ‘How to get your message across respectfully’ the other way we can communicate is using You-messages. In You-messages, the message contains either you or you’re in it. For example, ‘You make me so angry when you don’t clean up after yourself.’ Using a You-messages blames the person for the situation and judges them. So it pays to know when to use one. Read More...
How to get your message across respectfully?
It is easy to do. Lose your cool in the heat of the moment and say something that you later regretted. It is in these times that I-messages are your friend and a tool for all occasions. They get the message across about how you feel and what behaviour made you feel that way. And that is not the only benefit. Read More...
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